if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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