I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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