I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
