The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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