i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
