Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
They have beer where we have blood.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
