Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
