I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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