I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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