she was so not down for the gang bang
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
