her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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