you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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