It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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