Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
