I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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