his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
