Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
