I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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