i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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