thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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