How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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