i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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