***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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