I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize