Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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