Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
im having a threesome with these popsicles
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
