Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
my being single is dangerous.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
