Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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