He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
time to smoke my breakfast
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize