Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
