Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
