apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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