there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
