My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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