Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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