i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize