jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
