just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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