I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
