I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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