I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Still dying that you shit outside
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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