I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Dick very happy bro
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
