I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
