You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
