that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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