I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
