I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
