Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
