Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
