Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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