Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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