im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
