life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
