You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
