Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
