Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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