I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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